Have a "Random" New Year?

It may sound odd, but this post really began several months ago when I was in the bathroom at work. Don't get scared! It's safe to keep reading, I promise! =)

As I was washing my hands I looked down through the floor-to-ceiling window to the parking lot 6 floors below. In doing so, I just happened to notice that there was a small 3" by 3" wooden tile with the word "Grapefruit" written on it. It was just laying there on the floor by the window. For the next several months I noticed it every time I went into that bathroom. Every time I saw it, I thought about how random it was. I wondered how it got there, why "Grapefruit," and did anybody else EVER notice it? Then one day last week I noticed it was gone.

That silly little wooden tile made me stop and think. Practically every day I saw it and thought about how random it was, that life itself is random. So eventually I actually looked up some definitions of the word "random." Some are complicated and relate to mathematical probabilities and statistics; some are theological and delve into the deep world of chance, fate, free will, and choice. But the one that fit for me was "something unknown, unidentified, or out of place" and "odd and unpredictable in an amusing way."

I think that sometimes we get busy and don't take time to notice the random little things in our lives, but I think we should. We should see them, treasure them, watch for them. They are what make each day special and unique from the others. They can keep life from being hum-drum, same ol' same ol' boring. The unusual, crazy, unpredictable, out-of-place things are what add spice to life.

Need a few more examples than just a "Grapefruit" tile? Here are a few other things that broke through and caught my attention forcing me to notice the random.

• How within days of moving into my apartment, I got home from work and parked the car. I looked up just in time to see a heron in the pond by my apartment catch and eat a fish. Living in the middle of a city, that was totally random, but utterly cool.
• How I recently spent half the night awake with my sister when I should have been sleeping because an injured beaver was in our parking lot when she got home from work and we were trying to get someone to come help it.
• How of all the NFL teams out there, my little brother has become a fan of the same football team that I have liked since I was 13, the Green Bay Packers. Oddly enough, it's because his school starts with "G" and their font and colors look the same as Green Bay's. My dad believes the Dallas Cowboys should be the family's only team and is, needless to say a little horrified, but I am thrilled.
• How I discovered a cool new TV show from co-workers and checked it out while my sister was in Texas for Thanksgiving. I thought she would like it and planned to tell her about it when she returned only to find that she was introduced to the same show by our family during the same week and she planned on sharing it with me!
• How the very day I watched "Facing the Giants" again, I found myself crying out to God that I would still love Him, just as they did when faced with God saying "No" to their dreams.
• How I managed to lock my keys and my cell phone into my car two times exactly a year apart - both on my way to OKC on Memorial Day weekend, both at Shell gas stations while filling up my gas tank, both the same time of day down to the hour.
• How my best friend moved away from OKC on June 1st this year, a year to the day that I moved back to OKC from Nashville.
• How I got pooped on by a bird while walking in Bricktown last spring.
• How my experience while buying my first car came in handy when my sister had oddly similar things happen while buying her first car.
• How things can look like a tragedy and still turn out for the best.
• How I will feel sad or down and see a message on my phone from someone saying they are praying for me.
• How I accidentally threw my work keys into the dumpster and had to go dumpster diving to get them.
• How I will think about someone or something and get my phone out to text them only to get a text from them about the same exact thing right as I pick up the phone.
• How God will be working on something in my heart and someone else will mention that God is working on the same thing in their life.

Another definition of random is "without definite aim, purpose, or method; in a haphazard way; without any rhyme or reason." I also read about how something could appear to be random and lacking pattern or order to one person but not appear random to another because they can see the pattern.

A couple days ago, I watched "Signs" (one of my favorite movies) again. The central theme is about faith and whether or not there are coincidences or if everything happens for a reason, as signs pointing us to God and His presence in our lives. It's plain to me that the randomness in my life is certainly odd, unusual, and unpredictable often in a comical way, but it's not aimless, purposeless, or haphazard at all.

So at the end of this my 40th post, my prayer for myself and all of you this New Years would be this - that our lives be wonderfully, marvelously, comically random. Let one of your New Year's Resolutions be to watch for those random things throughout your day, your week, your life. Embrace them! Enjoy them! Allow them to bring a smile to your face. After all, they might just be God giving you a little "sign" that He's still there and that your life isn't really so random after all.

What's the Reason Again?

Anyone who has been here in OKC during the month of December probably knows that it brings a few distinct changes. For one, the weather starts to get colder and wetter, not typically snowy, just rainy and occasionally icy. The wind is the one weather constant year round since it's the one thing that never EVER stops here. During winter it merely picks up speed and makes people who thought they knew what cold was rethink the very definition of "chilled to the bone." There's something about winter here that makes 32 degrees feel so much colder than other places.

In addition to the weather changes you feel, other changes occur for you to hear. Magic 104.1 starts to play Christmas music beginning Thanksgiving (or maybe the day after) and continuing non-stop to New Years Day. And you know it's not truly the Christmas season here until you start to hear the B.C. Clark's jingle. (You know the one that gets stuck in your head and somehow becomes part of the very fabric of the Christmas season in Oklahoma... "Jewelry is the gift to give, 'cause it's the gift that lives and lives. So give the gift you know can't fail, from B.C. Clark's anniversary sale. Most sales are after Christmas, but Clark's is just before. Most everything is marked way down with savings you can't ignore at Oklahoma's oldest jeweler, since 1892. So give the gift you know can't fail, from B.C. Clark's anniversary sale.")

The change in music plays a role in the changing moods of the people around you. Some become stressed and irritable. Others seem to be just bursting with the Christmas spirit and scamper around sharing their glee like little elves who run to and fro tossing the glitter of Christmas cheer on everyone they meet. And, if you work anywhere like I do, work suddenly involves random food snacks showing up in the break room, decorating contests, vacation days, white elephant gift exchanges, Christmas cards, and possibly even little envelopes containing Christmas bonuses.

But is this what Christmas is all about? If you listen to the messages in song on the radio you might glean that Christmas is about Santa; getting presents, a boyfriend, hippos, or front teeth; family and love; Santa; hearts given away last Christmas, loneliness, being homesick, and being blue; snow or how cold it is outside; sleigh rides; silver bells; Santa; reindeer running over Grandma; what 12 things your true love gave you; Christmas trees, holly, and mistletoe; how a little boy guilt-tripped a stranger into giving him money to get his mom a pair of red shoes; Rudolph; and of course how you'd better be good 'cause (who else?) Santa Claus is coming to town.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the traditional Christmas music, the bright, cheerful decorations, and the old school Christmas movies (like It's a Wonderful Life and A Charlie Brown Christmas). But none of those things are why I celebrate Christmas. The most beautiful and meaningful songs just don't hardly show up on the radio, but rather appear in the old hymn books. They tell the true story of Christmas and of the best gift EVER given - Jesus Christ. Let's not let Santa steal the show! After all, we give gifts to each other in celebration (and imitation) of how God gave us Jesus

It's about how Mary gave her body, her reputation, and even risked trading her upcoming marriage for being stoned, all to have a baby that was impossible for her to have. It's how Joseph gave his reputation, the chance to have his own son be his firstborn and heir, and the chance to start out married life with just him and his new wife. It's how they both endured shame and humiliation that they didn't earn. It's how the very Creator God of the universe humbled Himself to become one of His creation, being born as a helpless, defenseless, average little baby, born in a barn with animals as an unmarried woman's son with a hardworking but poor step-father, to spend 30 years on this Earth without truly being recognized, to endure all the trials of every day ordinary life, to be betrayed by a beloved friend, to be hated by those who should have recognized and worshiped him, to sacrifice Himself in a cruel and painful death, to be raised back to life but be held initially in disbelief by some of His closest followers. All this He endured to save us from our sins that should have condemned us to Hell and an eternity without Him.

When it comes to Christmas you often hear that He is the "reason for the season." But I say He is so much more even than that. He is the reason. Period. Jesus is the very reason for anything, for our very existence. Let's remember that. Hold onto that. I pray that we all remember "the reason" both this Christmas and all year round.

Just Please Don't Look at Me Like That!

Growing up I was a generally good kid. I didn't cause a whole lot of trouble or really try to rebel more than one time (and of all the silly things, it was over not getting to pick up my new glasses from the store). But to my own shame, especially in my early teen years, I did have enough of my father the lawyer in me to argue quite a bit. I would get caught up in the argument and whether in the right or wrong would not hardly back down. Anger I could handle. A raised voice I could take unfazed; if anything it spurred me to continue on. Even if I inwardly acknowledged the truth of the other person's side, I would continue. As long as I had opposition I could keep it up.

There was only one thing that could break through to me and end my stubbornness - my parent's disappointment. The minute my mom or dad stopped fighting, looked me in the eye, and told me, "I am disappointed in you," all fight would drain out of me. Nothing could bring me to tears and repentance faster than those five words. They stung deep and hurt worse than any other punishment that my parents could dole out (although taking reading of any kind away for a couple days was also typically effective).

Tonight at church the visiting preacher took a different view of the Judgement Seat of Christ than I had ever heard before. He supposed that instead of the angry, scowling judge that we often picture our Lord being as He reviews our lives and judges all our failings and sins, that perhaps He would instead be a deeply sad, disappointed Father with hurt showing in His tear-filled eyes. Perhaps He will look at me as my parents did.

The very idea of eliciting my Lord and Heavenly Father's deep disappointment in my life's behavior is truly a sobering thought. The thought grieves me so that I can only express my thoughts in a portion of a song  -"I Just Want to Please the Lord." Above all else...

"I just want to please the Lord; 

be in His will in every way. 

Just to be lost in His presence, 

found in His likeness, 

to hear Him say, 'Well done,' 

someday."

It's a Gift... No, Really It Is!

The radio is usually playing at work and I heard a song the other day. It said, "God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt." Regardless of differing opinions on secular music, I think those lines express very eloquently what a marriage could and should be. To me, it's beautiful.

Being a single girl whose greatest dream was to get married and be a wife and mom, when I hear things that express the beauty in relationships, it can make me just a little jealous... OK a LOT jealous... that God hasn't given me any such person yet. I would imagine that I am NOT even close to being alone in that.

So when I faced my Lord with jealousy in my heart about the state of my singleness, He reminded me of something. "Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights..." ~ James 1:17. He reminded me that singleness is a GIFT!

We sometimes look at it like we would a gift opened at Christmas from some obscure relative that doesn't know us very well who gave us something we KNOW we will never use. But God intends it to be received better than that. For most people, the single parts of our lives are temporary; most people do get married at some point. Until that happens, God wants us to enjoy and use the gift of singleness. We shouldn't secretly grimace, say a very fake "thanks" and rush back to the store to try to exchange it for a better gift. It's the gift that God Himself has chosen to give to us for right now.

Whenever something happens to make me jealous, like hearing a song that makes me lonely, seeing another couple form in my circle of friends, or watching another young married couple years younger than me have a precious little baby, I have to apologize to my Lord. I have to ask forgiveness for not appreciating the gift He has given ME. Then I try to count the ways that His gift to me is wonderful in my own life. And believe me there are many when you start to look for them!

Many of the reasons to be thankful for this gift are too personal to share or they wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, but I know and thank the Lord for them. I can share a few though. For example...

• I am thankful that my finances are not complicated by another person. I know what I make and what I spend. It's easy.
• I have complete freedom in setting my own schedule. I don't have to check with someone or consider someone else's feelings or schedule if something unexpected comes up.
• I only have my family to consider around the holidays. I don't have to worry about another person's family wanting to see them but living in different places than my family.

These are just a few and honestly, they are not anything that I wouldn't find worth giving up someday. But for now, I can enjoy them as being a part of God's gift to me for this season in my life.

What about all of you? If you are single, can you think of a way that God's gift is a blessing? If you are married, can you think of a way that you took that gift for granted while you had it? Please share them with me!

The Promised Peek at NaNoWriMo

OK. This post is me keeping my promise to give my readers a peek at my NaNoWriMo book writing attempt. At this point I have written approximately 15,500 words and have 8 days (counting today) to write about 35,000 more! We will see if I make it. 

I will warn you that this post is longer than usual, but I picked this chapter to share because it's light, fun, and truly only gives you a very vague peek into the characters without revealing any of the story line. 

Those who have been reading my blog from the beginning may recognize elements of this snippet. Yes, it is very loosely based on what I described happening in "And she went dumpster diving" (which you can read here: http://pennysworthofthoughts.blogspot.com/2011/08/and-she-went-dumpster-diving.html).

I hope you enjoy, but I will also warn you that editing probably needs to be done. I am purposefully not touching it for editing until I have finished writing. I have heard that if you start to edit before you finish writing, you will never finish writing. Please, please, please let me know what you think!

Chapter 9

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird,

and when we find someone whose weirdness is

compatible with ours, we join up with them and

fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~ Dr. Seuss

Hands immersed in cool, running water, Ruth was rinsing lettuce for the sandwiches that everyone would be eating for lunch. Katelyn was slicing tomatoes on the counter. Belinda and Fiona had not appeared from their quiet time yet.

Mrs. Hurst walked in and began to help with the lunch preparations. Katelyn set the knife down on the counter to arrange the sliced tomatoes on a plate.

“Mrs. Hurst, can I ask you a question?” Katelyn asked.

“Of course, dear. Go right on ahead,” Mrs Hurst smiled and answered.

“Well, I have had plenty of time to watch you and Mr. Hurst together and I think that you have a special marriage, one like the kind I hope to have myself someday.” She blushed a little and studiously kept arranging the tomatoes while she continued. “I was just curious... I have never heard how you and Mr. Hurst met. Could you tell us?”

Ruth looked and eagerly agreed. “Oh yes! Please tell us!” After all what girl doesn't like to hear a good romance?

Belinda and Fiona walked in as Ruth was speaking. “Tell us what?” Fiona asked.

Peggy Hurst answered her curious daughter by saying, “Katelyn and Ruth just asked me to tell them the story of how your Dad and I met.”

“That's one of my favorite stories!!” Fiona squealed. “Oh come on Mom, you've got to tell them!”

Peggy looked around at four pair of curious eyes and consented. “OK, I will tell it to you. But I must warn you that it's pretty, well... different.” She chuckled and Fiona covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. By this point even Belinda looked eager to hear the story.

“First I must tell you that I grew up in moral but unsaved home. I managed to make it into college without ever having given God a serious thought and without ever attending a single church service. I had always wanted to be a teacher, so I decided to go to college and get a teaching degree. I figured that I would knock the first two years out at the smaller, less expensive school and then go on to a larger university so the college I chose was a small junior college.

“I have always had a tendency to have the craziest and most embarrassing things possible happen to me. As a teenager I had hopes that I would outgrow my clumsy tendencies, but it didn't take long in college for me to find out it didn't work that way.

“One day in my first couple of weeks of school I had gotten off of work and gone home to the dorm. My parking spot that I had been assigned was the one right next to the dorm's dumpster. I had some trash in the car that I needed to throw away and I had gotten in the habit of just tossing it in the dumpster as I walked by.

“It was raining, so I grabbed my umbrella, purse, and back pack in one hand and my trash in the other. My car was one of those old ones that you had to lock from the outside, so I locked it and headed past the dumpster.

“Now, mind you that I had gotten off of work later than usual that night so it was dark as well as raining. I had a quiz the next day in my hardest class that I hadn't even glanced at yet, so I was thinking about that as I tossed the trash into the dumpster.

“As soon as my hand was empty I realized what I had done. I had thrown my keys into the dumpster along with the trash!! I was horrified but my dorm key was on that key chain so I couldn't even get into the dorm without them.

“It started raining harder and began to thunder and lightening. I ran to the dorm but I was in newer heels so slipped and landed face first in the mud. My hands were full of stuff so I didn't really catch myself. I was literally covered in wet mud from head to toe. I felt like crying but I got up and hobbled over to the dorm and pounded on the front door to get help.

“Well, it was also the night our dorm was having an impromptu party apparently, because I could hear music playing loudly and no one could hear me pounding on the door and tapping on the windows.

“By this time, I am soaking wet and muddy. I gave up and went back to my car and threw everything inside. I dug out an emergency flashlight that my Dad had insisted that I have in my car and approached the dumpster. It was really tall, the side opening was almost shoulder high on me. I kicked off my new heels and hiked up my skirt and scrambled up to the opening. Thankfully, the dumpster had just been emptied that morning or I would have been in even worse trouble.”

By this time the girls were all laughing so hard that all work on lunch had ceased and they had gathered around her at the table.

“Is she making any of this up Fiona?” Ruth gasped. She was laughing so hard that she had tears gathering in her eyes.

“Oh, it's all true! You should ask my dad how she looked! He describes it even better!” Fiona said knowingly.

“Now Fiona, you are going to give it away!” Her mom scolded laughingly. “Ok, I was on the ledge looking into the dumpster trying to figure out how to get down to the bottom of the disgusting dumpster, which by the way was collecting water really fast because the top was still open! There was already a couple inches of water in the bottom.

“Now what I didn't know is that our dumpster was shared with a guys dorm that was across the alley. So, while I am perched precariously on the edge of the dumpster, along comes this guy with a bag of trash to throw away. I didn't see or hear him because my back was to him and it was still thundering.

“I guess he had his head down because of the rain so he didn't see me either. He tosses the bag up into the opening and before I knew what was happening, it had knocked me to the bottom of the dumpster.

“I guess he caught a glimpse of me as he let go and he heard my shriek as I was shoved by his bag of trash into the dumpster. By this time, I was crying in earnest as I sat there on my hands and knees in the trash and water at the bottom of the dumpster. My mascara was freely mixing with the rain and mud on my face. My clothes were soaked with mud, rain, and covered in loose garbage that was floating in the trashy rain water.

“I had dropped the flashlight and wasn't sure where it had landed. The guy saw the flashlight fly out of my hand and land on the concrete by the dumpster. He grabbed it and poked his head into the opening asking in a horrified voice if I was alright.

“I managed to stand up and in my iciest voice I let him know that I had dropped my keys and needed my flashlight which he was shining in my face to find them. He handed me the flashlight and I managed to find my keys.

“That's when I realized that I couldn't get out! I had to suffer the further embarrassment of asking him for help to get out. He ran back to his dorm and got a folding chair. He handed me the chair and I climbed out.

“Once I was out, he was falling all over himself apologizing and asking if I was alright. I was never so humiliated in my whole life. To make matters worse he was such a gentleman and so very cute too! So I looked straight into the eyes of the man that I would end up marrying and told him to never speak to me again! Then I gathered up all of my belongings and left him standing there staring after me in the rain.”

“Wow!” Ruth exclaimed, tears of laughter streaming down her face. “It sounds like something you would hear in a book, not in real life!”

Belinda was holding her stomach and said, “I don't know if I can eat lunch now! My stomach hurts too much from laughing so hard!”

Katelyn looked all amazement and said, “Wow. How have I known your family for a year and a half and never heard that story?! It's so funny!”

“Looking back now, it's pretty funny, but at the time I just wanted the earth to open and swallow me up whole. I had already seen Ralph around campus a couple of times and remembered thinking he was so cute. I just knew that after that I would never have a chance because there was no way I was ever going to show my face outside of my dorm again.”

“But I couldn't settle for that now could I?” Ralph inserted as he stepped into the room making all of the girls jump with his sudden appearance. “I knew that night that the incredibly pretty girl I had knocked into the dumpster needed a keeper! And I found myself praying to God volunteering for the job.”

Peggy came and stood by her man and wrapped her arms around his middle while he easily draped an arm around her shoulders. “How on earth he found me attractive then, I will never understand. But I am very grateful that he did. What I didn't know that night was that I had not only met my future husband, but I was also about to be started down the path that led me to God.

“My life changed that night as I literally found my life in the trash that night. I had hit rock bottom in a filthy garbage dumpster. You see, just a few days later, Ralph was the first person to ever invite me to church. It took a couple of months, but I eventually came to believe that the Bible was true, that I was a sinner, and I desperately needed Jesus to save me.”

“Those were the scariest months of my whole life. I prayed more than I had ever prayed before.” Ralph said seriously. “I really wanted to date and marry Peggy, but I knew better than to allow myself to get into a relationship with an unbelieving girl. The day she made a decision to accept Jesus' offer of salvation was the best day of my life until the day she agreed to date me a couple weeks later and then when she agreed to marry me a year later.”

“Despite that awful beginning, Ralph became my best friend when I was in desperate need of a friend. He introduced me to Jesus. He was my hero.” Peggy gazed up into his face adoringly as she spoke. “He still is.”

“Your story is so neat!” Ruth told them.

“Well, it's certainly unique and one of a kind!” Fiona laughed.

A few minutes later the guys joined them and they all enjoyed the sandwiches the girls had prepared for lunch. But the whole time, Ruth kept thinking about how she wished that someday she could have a marriage like Ralph and Peggy's and how impossible that really seemed.

Have a Thankful Thanksgiving, Part 3

• Friday, 11-11-11 - I am thankful for such a cool date! I am thankful that today is Veteran's Day and I have a paid day off in a country that was kept free by Veterans who made tremendous sacrifices to keep it free. I am thankful to be an American. I am thankful that I grew up close to Fort Hood, TX and got to see first hand the sacrifices our soldiers and their families make for the rest of us. I am thankful that I got a chance to go shooting for the first time!!
• Saturday, November 12th - I am thankful that we made our goal last week at LC so I got to wear a blue jean skirt and t-shirt to work. I am thankful that in a time where many have trouble finding a single job, that God has blessed me with two.
• Sunday, November 13th - I am thankful for Friend Day at church today. I am thankful that I can have so much fun working with four year olds! I am thankful for how much they enjoy saying their memory verses in as many crazy ways as I can think of (underwater voice, monkey style, robot style, etc). I am thankful for friends who are my age and single that attend my church and have fun hanging out. A year and a half ago I didn't have that luxury. I am thankful for the Spiveys who work with us Pathfinders and plan fun activities for us to do. I am thankful that I do not have to try to eat Oreos placed on my forehead without using my hands on a regular basis (a game that I failed miserably at)!
• Monday, November 14th - I am thankful for a washer and dryer in my apartment. When I lived in TN and had to use the laundromat it was such a hassle! I am thankful for a dishwasher that get the dishes clean and more sanitized than I can by washing them by hand. I am thankful for a refrigerator that keeps food from spoiling and being wasted.
• Tuesday, November 15th - I am thankful that IHOP is open after 10 pm and has a place to plug in your computer. I am thankful that I can concentrate and get a lot of writing done there like I can not seem to do at home. I am thankful for all of the HBBC students that work there who may not recognize me, but I know are HBBC students. I am thankful for their testimony.
• Wednesday, November 16th - I am thankful that a new haircut can make a girl feel like new! I am thankful that the salon had an opening and was able to fit me in on my lunch break even though it was a spur of the moment decision and I had obviously not made an appointment. I am thankful for all of the encouraging coworkers, friends, and family who supported my drastic change in hair styles.
• Thursday, November 17th - I am thankful for a boss who is understanding when I am 10 minutes late because I didn't realize that my windshield and windows would be frozen over when I tried to leave for work this morning. I am thankful for defrosters, heaters, sweaters, gloves, coats, scarves, hats, boots, and anything else that keeps me warm!

Just Gotta Wonder Why

Today I ate lunch in my car and decided to read my Bible and pray too. I asked God where I should start reading, since I needed a new place to start. For some reason He brought the book of Joshua to mind. So I started reading the first chapter.

Joshua 1:1-9 says, 1) Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying, 2) Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel. 3) Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses. 4)  From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast. 5) There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 6) Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them. 7) Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper whithersoever thou goest. 8) This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. 9) Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Maybe it's because I am trying to write now myself, but for some reason I found myself reading more slowly and really trying to put myself in Joshua's shoes. I thought about the thoughts and emotions that he would have been feeling. Moses was dead. Joshua's mentor, who he worked very closely with on a daily basis, was gone. he was surely grieving his absence. As with many people who are left behind when a loved one dies, he may have felt very alone, forsaken.

On top of these emotions, his responsibilities changed drastically. While he had already been in a leadership position, his main responsibility had obedience and caring for the needs of a single man. He was a valuable and beloved assistant. Overnight the assistant's role changed into the head leadership position. He now reported directly to God with the responsibility of leading and caring for an entire nation of people, people who had already proven to be the stubborn, rebellious, griping and complaining kind of people. This was surely intimidating in the least and potentially overwhelming.

This is the Joshua to whom God spoke. And the words that God spoke are such encouraging words! Considering how many times God told him to take courage, we know that fear must have been a major struggle for him, understandably so. But God promised him great victory - both as a leader and a warrior. God promised that every place his foot touched would be given to him and therefore the nation of Israel.

As amazing as all of the promises were that God made to Joshua that day, to me the greatest promises were in verse 5. The first part says, "There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life..." Think about it! He was promised unlimited victory for the rest of his life! God had personally promised him that any enemy that he faced would suffer defeat. That is no small thing.

Then comes the icing on the cake. The second half of verse 5 says, "...as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Think about what this means! Moses was the man with whom God spoke face to face, as a friend speaks with his friend. He was the man who penned the beginnings of the Bible. He was the man whose face glowed unbearably to those around him because of his closeness with God. That relationship was what God promised to have with Joshua. And He promised never to leave him, never to forsake him.

The promise of unlimited victory all the days of his life led me to wondering. The first chapter of Judges is practically littered with peoples and towns that the Israelites did not drive out according to God's command. With such promises as the ones God made to Joshua and the constant proof of God keeping His Word, day in, day out, in every single battle. With all of this... why did Joshua's life end without the nation of Israel conquering every bit of the land that God had promised them?

Did he just get so comfortable with all of the victories that had already been won that he didn't press on and push for complete victory? Was he satisfied with all his past accomplishments, content that the land was mostly settled? Did he forget the the promise of victory was good through his death, not just his old age? Did he not consider the cost of only partially fulfilling God's command to settle the land? Because it did cost the nation of Israel dearly. They never achieved the goals God had for them. They never claimed all of the inheritance God gave them. Was it simple laziness?

It made me wonder why.

It also made me stop and think - about myself. What things do I settle for? In how many areas of my life are the past accomplishments enough for me. What promises am I not taking full advantage of? Have I become comfortable, lax, content? Have I let the passion, fervor, and urgency of my teenage years mellow into a contentment that doesn't have me pushing for further victory? Am I playing it safe even when I have been promised victory? In how many areas have I grown lazy?

I look at Joshua and I can't help but wonder, "Why?"

I don't want to end up wondering "Why?" about myself.

Have a Thankful Thanksgiving, Part 2

Have you ever found yourself down in the dumps grumbling about something? In that moment you were not grateful. There's just something about the way that God made us, we can be thankful or ungrateful but never both at the same time. This thought convicts me because I know that I must complain to God far more often than I thank Him for things. So these are the things that I wanted to thank God for this week...

• Friday, November 4th - I was thankful that my sister invited me to go see the Beauty and the Beast play done by Oklahoma Christian University. I was thankful that the weather went from 29 degrees and frosty to the mid 50's. I was thankful for my co-workers that I work with on a daily basis; they make work fun and are truly a blessing to me.
• Saturday, November 5th - I was thankful that the earthquake at 2am didn't cause any damage where I live. I was thankful that I was able to sleep in after a night of very little sleep. I was thankful that I got off of work at LensCrafters at 8pm instead of 9pm. 
• Sunday, November 6th -I was thankful for the "fall back" time change that allowed me an extra hour of rest after the second larger earthquake in 24 hours had me wide awake again. I was thankful that even though it was the largest earthquake ever recorded in Oklahoma, that I have not heard of anyone being seriously hurt and no major damage other than a couple roads buckling and some people's walls cracking. I am thankful for Southwest Baptist Church which celebrated it's 60th anniversary on Sunday. I look forward to Sunday mornings when I can work with my precious 4 year old girls and then sit and hear Pastor Gaddis preach about things that feed me spiritually. I truly have been blessed to be a part of a church that is my church home.
• Monday, November 7th - Despite the fact that earthquakes, tornadoes, hail, and thunderstorms happen in one night here, in spite of the wind that comes sweeping down the plain, and even though the weather in general changes faster than a girl can change her mind, I am very thankful that I know I am right where God wants me and I am very thankful that it is here in OKC. While this Texas girl will never give up her Texas heritage and roots (After all, you can take the girl outta Texas, but you cain't take the Texas outta the girl.), Oklahoma has truly become home to me in the last 7 years and there's no place I would rather be.  =)
• Tuesday, November 8th - I was thankful for Tuesday night visitation nursery. Every Tuesday night I go play with babies while their parents are out visiting people. I get to help by freeing parents up from distractions and get my baby fix all at the same time! I have one little girl, Emma, who has become my special buddy. I think I am one of her favorite people ever. She always wants to come to me whenever she sees me and it makes my day every time!
• Wednesday, November 9th - I was thankful for the cold, nearly freezing weather last night. (It's a one time thing, but I actually was truly grateful for it!) I somehow managed to drop my ground beef right outside my front door while I was carrying in groceries last night. Thankfully with the weather being so cold, it was nearly frozen and not spoiled! It was truly a blessing!
• Thursday, November 10th - I am thankful for coffee and how soothing it feels on a sore throat. I am thankful for the french press coffee maker that I won at work several months ago. I being able to make coffee at home. I am thankful for a stove that works, electricity that is consistent, and safe, clean water that comes out of the facet every time I turn it on.    

What about you? What are some of the things that you are thankful to God for this week? I would love to hear yours too. So please, comment at the bottom and let me know!

Songs on a Sunday - A Greater Yes

For the last couple of years this song has been very special to me. You might even say that it has been my "life's song" for the last couple of years. I would have shared it sooner, but I actually thought I had already done so and checked back this week and realized that I had not.

I recently came across a quote that kind of sums up the message of the song - “God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- 'severe mercies' at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot (emphasis my own)

A Greater Yes
by Marcia Henry

Verse 1

It starts with a desire, planted deep within your heart.
You pray in faith, and wait for God to move.
Time passes and you wonder,
Does He hear me when I call?

Should I even have prayed that prayer at all?

 Chorus

You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer.
He can't ignore His child's earnest request.
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best,
Trust God. If He says, "No"… You're still blessed;
There must be a greater yes.

Verse 2

There comes a time when child-like faith
Must graduate to trust.
Trials come and you're convinced you're on your own.
But the Teacher's often silent
While you're in the hardest test.
But He'll answer when it's time with what is best.
 

Chorus

You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer.
He can't ignore His child's earnest request.
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best,
Trust God. If He says, "No"... You're still blessed;
There must be a greater yes.

Sometimes God will answer - just like we prayed.
Then other times what's on His mind
Is a better plan, another way, a greater yes.

Chorus

You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer.
He can't ignore His child's earnest request.
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best,
Trust God. If He says, "No"… You're still blessed;
There must be a greater yes.

Have a Thankful Thanksgiving, Part 1

I had noticed people were putting something that they are thankful for each day on Facebook for the month of November. I liked the idea, but I thought I would do it on here and do a week's worth at a time.

Oh, and by the way... Did you ever stop to think that being thankful for something implies that you are thankful to someone for that thing? Think about it. Most of the things that we are thankful for we have little to no control over. Who are we thanking for those things? The very concept of being Thankful implies that we are thankful to God. So don't be generic this Thanksgiving and November; don't settle for being grateful to the unseen and unknown. Be specific and thank God!

• Monday October 31st - I was thankful that I live in a safe apartment complex where I don't have to worry about mischief befalling me on Halloween night. I was thankful that I was not scheduled to work at Penn Square Mall on Monday. I was thankful for a nice quiet evening where Jen and I got to hang out and watch a movie together.

• Tuesday, November 1st - I was thankful for one last day of short sleeves, sandals, and windows open kind of weather before the cold front that was coming through the next day. I was also thankful that my work paid for all of us to have free Big Truck Tacos today at lunch. I had never had them before and they were very good! I was thankful that I was no longer sick like the week before and was able to do visitation nursery like usual. I was missing those babies!! 

• Wednesday, November 2nd - I was thankful that I got to eat lunch with Mrs. Rachel Spivey and Samuel. She is such a blessing to me! I also was thankful that I had a much less stressful day at work than on Tuesday. And I was thankful that I got to ride to and from church with Jen and Colby who just crack me up! 

• Thursdays, November 3rd - I was thankful that I have warm blankets that keep me so cozy that I don't want to get out of bed. I was thankful for hot water to take a shower without freezing. I was also thankful for my cell phone since it is my faithful alarm and keeps me in touch with my friends and family.

Songs on a Sunday - I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I haven't done a Songs on a Sunday post in a while because I hadn't had any new songs just jump out and squeeze my heart lately. But even though it wasn't sung in church today, my sister was randomly singing this song today and it caught my attention. Read the words; they are very encouraging!

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

by Ira Stanphill in 1950

Verse 1

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Verse 2

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Verse 3

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood. 

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Once Upon a Dream

Some of my earliest and fondest memories are being read to by my parents and then reading to myself when I grew old enough. I have always loved reading because of the stories. There's something almost magical about reading that transports you out of your own bedroom and deposits you in the middle of your story. A good author has the power to make you forget, even if for a short while, who you are and sets you free on the seas of imagination. Oh the freedom! The possibilities!

I am not sure when that love for reading began to translate into a love for writing, but I do distinctly remember as early as 3rd grade that I loved creative writing! My favorite school assignment was having my spelling words for the week turned into a list that I had to somehow incorporate into a story. My little diary was also a staple most every day. My sister and I would take our toys and build up scenes in the stories I would write, so we could see what I imagined visually. I fancied myself to be a writer just like Anne Shirley in the "Anne of Green Gables" series. My imagination then was fresh, dramatic, vivid. I dreamed of one day being an author.

As a teenager I still wrote in my journal. When I felt like I would burst, it would relieve the pressure built up inside me. Countless times when I was wide awake at night, I would open my journal and write until I was relaxed enough to fall asleep. During my teens years, I also discovered that it was easier for me to open up and share my heart through written rather than spoken word. I could expresses myself far more through a letter than I could ever say aloud. I could be bolder through writing than I would be otherwise.

Then college came along and I grew more focused on editing, perfecting, and polishing. Writing evolved into more function than fun; it was a necessity rather than enjoyable. Writing for me became solely a matter of proper punctuation, good grammar, and the correct research documentation. I convinced myself that I was not a writer but an editor. After all I had become a Yearbook editor in 8th grade and spent 10 years immersed in that world.

While I never lost my love for reading, somewhere along the way I lost my enjoyment of writing. I think it was about the same time that I lost the ability to dream. My dreams were lost as the real world crowded out the imaginary. Life became all about necessity and the need for practicality; it left little room for dreaming. I had to "grow up" and face reality. Practicality numbed my imagination and lacking imagination my love for writing was temporarily erased. I forgot writing could be fun. Even my journal became more about finding relief or recording facts than about having fun.

When I told my dad that several of my friends had started blogs, his immediate response was that I should too. Perhaps he remembered better than I did my childhood love for writing or perhaps he just thought it would be a good outlet for me. Either way, my response was a complete rejection of the idea. I was an editor, better at polish than creativity. But the idea stuck. I found myself thinking that blogging looked like so much fun!

Eventually I broke down and this blog was born. Through it I have begun to fall in love with writing all over again. I think the biggest change is that writing is teaching me once again to dream, that life doesn't always have to be practical. That a life without dreams, imaginations, and what-ifs, is far too dull a life to live. That someone along the way I had lost the childlike ability to dream and that it's OK to reach back into the past and pull it up with me into the present.

So this coming November, I am going to dream. I am going to dream big! My imagination cap will be firmly placed on my head and even though practicality screams at me that I might not be capable, I will plug my ears and have fun writing!

NaNoWriMo

Hello to all my readers!

I am thinking about trying my hand at a bit more writing. Since you, my brave readers, have already been reading what I write I thought I would share the idea with you. Basically NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. The concept is simple. Write a 50,000 word novel beginning November 1st and ending November 30th. It must all be written that month, must all be fiction, and must be your individual writing. You can get plot ideas and character sketches down ahead of time, but no actual story writing.

I am not sure that I have the talent or skills to actually accomplish it, but it sounds fun. I am not sure that I am going to be super intense about it, but I think I might just see how far I can get in a month. I have loved reading my whole life and even as a child dreamed about writing books. (What can I say? With a name like Anne I have always loved red hair and wanted to be an author?) As I got older I thought my skills were better suited to editing than writing, but as I have been writing on here I have rediscovered my love for writing too.

I guess I will just see how it goes. I may even post excerpts on here throughout November, just to give y'all a taste and to get your feedback as I am going. As I told a friend, I don't really know if I can do this, but if I am going to try, I am going to try to write something worthy of being published, something with quality and content. Not that my first try would probably actually be worth publishing, but that would be my goal. If I am going to spend my time doing it, I would want it to be readable, something that I would pick up and read if I were to see it in a bookstore. I want to draw on personal experiences and try to write something that will be both entertaining AND encouraging.

So what do y'all think? Should I go for it? Should I step out of my comfort zone and attempt something that I have never tried before and don't know if I can actually do? Should I open myself up to possible failure?

I think I just might.

*If you think my might want to join my journey and write a novel yourself, here is the website where you can learn more.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/whatisnano

A Loving Relationship, Not a Daunting Checklist

God has been working in my life for the past two years to teach me that I really knew nothing about what it means to be spiritual. It's been a process that began with me meeting people who didn't have my same standards and therefore should have been "worldly" people. Yet I came to realize that my definition of what made a person Godly and spiritual must be skewed. You see, these people I met I now consider to be among the most Godly, spiritual people that I know.

I began to see how my list of standards had become a checklist for spirituality. I could see that I would look down on and judge other people as not being as Godly as myself because they didn't follow my list. I began to see pride, arrogance, hypocrisy, self-righteousness in myself. I felt like I had become a modern-day Pharisee. And Jesus was clear in how He felt about them; He didn't count them as spiritual, but as hindrances to the spiritual walk of others.

That started me on a journey. I began to re-evaluate my life, my standards, my beliefs. I knew how to defend what I had grown up believing and living, but I had come to the point where I needed to decide for myself what I believed. I knew that taking another human's word for it was not going to be enough for me, even if that person was my Pastor or my parents. I knew that I couldn't continue to live it if I didn't concretely believe it for myself. I realized that if it wasn't stated out and out in the Bible as a sin then it was a man-made rule. I began to sort through those man-made rules that I had grown up with to see which ones I could trace back to a Biblical basis, not personal preference.

When I moved back to OKC, Pastor Gaddis was preaching about some of the same things I had been learning. He preached about how judging another person's spiritual life based on human standards was wrong. This was exactly what I had been realizing for the past year. He also talked about how God sets a standard that is black and white; He draws the line clearly on an issue. Then he talked about how the Pharisees added to those laws by creating man-made standards. The intention was to prevent them from even getting close to breaking God's laws. Sounds good, sound zealous, sounds spiritual, sounds like us Independent Baptists, right? The motive may have started out right, but the practice went wrong. They began to treat their added standards as the law themselves. They began to believe that a person could not be spiritual unless he followed all of their man-made additions to the law too.

Throughout this time, there still remained one question in my works-oriented mind... If your personal standards are not the basis for evaluating a person's spirituality, then what does make a personal spiritual? This past Wednesday night Pastor's message finally answered that question. The answer is to remember that the spiritual walk is a relationship, not a checklist. I have heard this before many times, but this time it struck me differently.

I had been reading a book about the 5 "love languages" that people "speak." The book is all about relationships and how different people communicate love differently. It talks about how some people do things for each other to show their love. But for it to be an actual expression of love, the action cannot be demanded. If action is demanded then you are required to do a certain thing. You do what is demanded because you fear losing who you love. The book says that action out of fear doesn't show love; you must go beyond what is expected, out of the realm of fear, in order to express love by your actions.

Maybe those things seem completely unrelated, but in my mind they came together and clicked. That was how I had been viewing my relationship with God. I viewed Him as demanding this list of required actions. (I am not going to make a list, because it is different for every person. You will know what you believe is expected of you.) I believed that I had to do these things in order to not displease Him. I did them out of fear, fear that He would not be satisfied or pleased with me, like I had to earn His pleasure and approval.

When Pastor Gaddis talked about the spiritual life not being a checklist, but a relationship it began to click. He even made a comment similar to the one in the book about how action demanded cannot express love. To express love you must be free to choose not to perform those actions. It must be a free choice. God says over and over that salvation freed us. God doesn't demand that we fulfill His commandments any longer.

It doesn't mean that we are justified in going and living however we please. We are free, freed from sin not freed to sin. Even though God doesn't demand that we live a certain way, His standards of right and wrong are still there. But now we have a choice! We are free from His demands to freely express our love to Him of our own free will by choosing to live according to His standards because we know it will please Him.

The difference is subtle...

Instance 1) God demands that we fulfill His laws. We attempt to out of fear of His displeasure. When we fail, we always feel as though we have failed Him. We take our list and fearfully try to check it off, hoping He won't be displeased. We never make it to victory, but struggle with defeat constantly. We think of God as a harsh task master who is demanding and impossible to please.

Instance 2) We realize that God no longer demands that we fulfill His laws. We understand that right is still right and wrong is still wrong and we know that doing right still pleases God; it brings Him pleasure. So as an expression of our love to Him, we choose to do what will bring Him pleasure. We freely choose to do the things on our list, not out of fear of rejection, but because we know we are loved and accepted by God and we desire to show that we love Him too by doing what makes Him happy. We evaluate our lives and actions by how they will please God, not out of fear, but out of eagerness to please Him.

In the end, I may be doing the exact same things as I was before, but now I can do them wholeheartedly with joy. I can do them because I love Him and am grateful for what He has done for me. I can do them because I know that they will make Him happy, not out of fear of displeasing Him.

Courageous

In my last post I talked about the effect that divorce has on kids because it had been heavy on my heart. Pastor's message this Sunday morning was also about family life. He pointed out the mistakes made in the family of Isaac, Rebekah, Jacob, and Esau and the results of those mistakes. It seems like it just keeps coming up lately. This week I also got to see the movie "Courageous." It too talks about the needs that kids have and the effects on their lives when those needs aren't met.

Without giving too much of the story away, I can tell you that it's about 4 policemen who are doing what policemen do. In the course of their job they are battling with some gang members. Throughout the movie the men come to realize what a vital need kids have for a strong, Goldy father in their lives and how the gang members they are fighting are the result of that need being left unfulfilled.

The movie calls for Christian men to stand up and be the true leaders, fathers, and husbands that God desires and designed them to be. It reminds all of us that being a good father means that a man does more than just provide for his family, but he also guides them, spends time with them, and sets the example for them to follow by being a Godly man of integrity himself. It reminds us that this will take a lot of time, thought, purpose, and even more... courage. It will take determination that comes from the knowledge that how a man lives his life has permanent and life-altering affect on the lives of his kids, grandkids, etc.

In the end the movie made me laugh, made me cry, made me laugh, made me cry again, and made me want to call my Daddy. It also made me even more determined to wait for the right person to marry and have a family with. The world has far too many children growing up in broken homes or with distant dads. I refuse to add to their numbers. I want my children to have the kind of father these men determined to be because that's what they will need. I won't settle for less. I will wait for such a man of courage and in doing so, hopefully I will be doing my part to be "Courageous" for my future family too.

Wonderful?

PREFACE: This post could potentially cause some offense. I want to say that it was not written in anger and it is not my intention to hurt anyone who has gone through a divorce. I am sharing this in hopes to help people be aware of how kids feel in a divorce, how I felt when my parents divorced. Perhaps it will help someone think twice someday before giving up on their marriage. Perhaps it will help someone who works with kids at church or at work have a better understanding. Perhaps it will help those blessed enough to grow up in a stable home relate to a friend better.

I understand that not all family situations are the same. If there is abuse or neglect, a separation may be necessary for safety's sake. That would be an issue for another post. This is mainly focused at the kind of situation where the parents could potentially work it out and choose not to.

Either way, I have been working on this for a while and it is something that burdens my heart. I am sharing because if I can help anyone avoid this type of pain, how could I stay silent?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was about six years old my parents got divorced. I still remember quite vividly the events of that day. It changed my life forever. I am a different person today than I would have been had I grown up with them never getting divorced. I probably would have attended a different church, certainly would not have been home schooled, would have gone to a different college, had a different major, met different people, had different friends, and lived in different houses both while growing up and as an adult. Not much of my life would be the same as it is today.

In addition to all the long-term changes, my everyday life changed immediately. About the only thing that stayed the same was my sister Jen and I being together. We grew closer than we probably would have otherwise. We spent more time with each other than with either parent. Even though we were three years apart we both often told people that we felt more like twins in our bond with each other. We became the "constant" in each other's lives - the one thing that was the same in both worlds we in which we lived.

Because our parents divorced when I was so young, living in a single mom's house and visiting our dad was really the only life I knew. It's actually a little hard for me to remember what life was like before that. Growing up in two separate households, having time divided between them - it was just how life was. I learned to accept it and move on. And I honestly didn't think it bothered me a whole lot. In reality I spent most of my childhood numb, avoiding dealing with the emotions, convincing myself that it hadn't bothered me a whole lot.

But when I was a teenager my dad was going through a music phase of listening to a group called Everclear. They have a song called "Wonderful."* When I first heard that song, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It put into words exactly how divorce felt to me. Before then I wouldn't have said I was angry about them getting divorced; I wouldn't have said I felt much of anything about it. Yet, the song is full of anger and I realized it was exactly how I felt.

"I close my eyes when I get too sad. 

I think thoughts that I know are bad. 

Close my eyes and I count to ten; 

Hope it's over when I open them." 

Hearing your parents fight makes a kid feel this way. You just want it to stop. While my sister was more openly bothered by it, I mastered the art of pretending not to hear.

"I want the things that I had before,

Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.

I wish I could count to ten

And make everything be wonderful again."

When parents get divorced they feel pain, but they also feel relief. In a sense once the divorce is over, the fight it over. Most kids just want everything to go back to "normal." You can't fully understand why everything has to be so different. The one thing kids really want is to feel secure and how can they when their whole world just flipped upside down?

"Hope my mom and I hope my dad

Will figure out why they get so mad.

Hear them scream; I hear them fight.

They say bad words that make me wanna cry."

Parents may shout because they are so angry that they feel they can't help it. It is terrifying for the kids who the parents have probably forgotten were even listening. It's often easy for them to forget because the kids usually hide away in their rooms trying to escape the sound of shouting.

"Close my eyes when I go to bed

And I dream of angels who make me smile.

I feel better when I hear them say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

Parents may feel like they can't escape the reality of a bad marriage. Kids truly can't. Dreams and fantasy worlds may be the only places they feel safe or happy. I think that's why I learned to love reading and movies so much. Through my imagination and the stories I could escape the reality that I hated.

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world's so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

And tell me everything is wonderful now.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now."

Parents may feel like their wedding vows aren't above breaking. How can a kid trust someone who breaks their promises? Even if it was made before they were born, the promise to be married until death is probably the most important promise a parent can ever make, for their kids' sake. When you tell your worried children that you won't get divorced and then you do... it begins the process of breaking their trust that ends with most children from divorced homes having a hard time trusting anyone. Not that they even realize or consciously think it, but it happens.

A parent may feel like everything is wonderful after the horror of the divorce is over. But for the kids, the horror is just beginning. They start to wonder if they can believe their parents when they say "it will be better now." Their fragile trust starts to crumble under the weight of the painful reality that even if their parents are "happier" now, the they still aren't happier.

"I go to school and I run and play.

I tell the kids that it's all okay.

I laugh aloud so my friends won't know

When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home."

A parent may not understand that it hurts a child so deep inside that it may not even show on the outside. But often on the inside, the kids just want to be anywhere but their at home. Friends houses, school, activities, etc may all be preferable than going home.

"Go to my room and I close my eyes.

I make believe that I have a new life.

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now."

I don't wanna hear you say

That I will understand someday.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna hear you say

You both have grown in a different way.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends

And I don't wanna start over again.

I just want my life to be the same

Just like it used to be.

Some days I hate everything

I hate everything -

Everyone and everything.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

You have grown apart? You love each other but not enough to live together? Or maybe you just don't love each other at all anymore. These kinds of explanations won't ever make full sense to the kids. But they do make a child worried that you will stop loving them someday too. Or they may feel like it's really their fault somehow. They may become desperate for your approval because they fear you will stop loving them. Or they may lash out in anger trying to push you away so you can't hurt them when you leave them too. Anger, hate, bitterness - they all go hand-in-hand and they are all destructive.

Time goes on. The wounds start to heal for the parent, but the pain for the child is just beginning to grow. As they get older, the wound grows larger and larger as they realize that things will never go back to "how it was before." They start to see more and more things that they missed out on.The constant back and forth and divided loyalties and divided love can put a lot of pressure on kids.

Even if you have parents like mine who actually still supported each other and didn't talk bad about each other, kids can feel guilty for missing one parent while with the other. They may feel bad for being happy when they are with one parent because it can feel like a betrayal of the love they have for their other parent. And of course, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc all have to be traded back and forth.

And it doesn't get easier with time. In fact, the older the kids get the harder it is.  As teens, they are far more likely to develop eating disorders, drop out of school, and be suicidal. Also, once they have graduated they have to choose who they will spend time with and when, all while trying not to offend or hurt either other parent. That can be a lot of pressure.

Another long-term effect is that those trust issues they develop as kids will follow them into their friendships and eventually their own marriages. Sadly, children from a divorced home are far more likely to end up in a troubled marriage themselves. After they get married and have kids of their own, grandkids complicate everything further because there will be three or four sets (rather than two) of grandparents to divided the time between.

Speaking from experience, divorce is simply devastating. It's effects on all involved are long-lasting and immeasurable. Please don't let this article describe your children someday. Make your marriage vows last and then everything will actually be "wonderful."


*I am not recommending or advocating the song or artist. Moral/spiritual reasons aside (because that's a debate for another day), I personally can't listen to it because it still bothers me.

Hope Dorm - Room 705

My sister and I invited a bunch of people over to watch a movie. One of Jen's fellow Witness! members and one of my old roomies ended up being the only ones to come. We had a great time! We spent the last couple of hours watching a movie, talking, and just hanging out. It was nice to spend some time with a couple of people who know me better than anyone else in the world.

As we were talking we started to reminisce about the year I spent in Hope Dorm Room 705 with Heather, Lindsey, and Faith. It was also my sister's first year and since she was in the same dorm, she also spent a lot of time in there.

I made memories that I hope I never forget! One is the memory of the only time I can really remember getting angry with them. I had won a Beta fish in a Christmas game at work and jokingly named him Ross after the CEO. Even though we tried repeatedly to rename him, nothing ever stuck and he was stuck being Ross.

Well, one day I came home and Ross was not alone in his fish bowl. There were these awful, disgusting little shrimp things swimming around with him. I was so annoyed! If you know anything about Betas they typically cannot live with other fish because they kill them. I knew that my little Ross was especially aggressive with his reflection in mirrors, so I knew that he would end up killing and eating them. Long story short, my roomies didn't believe me, but in the end that's exactly what happened. It took a while, but it's now funny!

Other memories include my 24th birthday at BJ's, the picture we drew and hung on our door and added to throughout the semester, Heather falling for Tim, the nicknames we all gave each other, the room meetings that always lasted way too long not because of trouble but because we were having such a good time, Heather and I studying together for Blythe classes, the laughter, Faith singing the same made up song over and over for weeks, Lindsey and Tae Bo, Jen doing a creepy face and chasing Heather around the room with a highlighter behind her back. The list could go on and on. We shared our hopes, dreams, fears, tears, failures, successes, prayer requests, praises, heartaches, and laughter, lots of laughter.

Personality-wise we couldn't have been more different. I have a hard time letting people in and opening up to them, but they just loved me and accepted me so easily that I couldn't help loving them back. By the time the year was over, we were almost as close as sisters.

While it's a lesson still in progress, it's good to remember the biggest lesson they taught me that year. It was my "extra" year. My 5th year at HBBC. My 6th year of college. The year I was supposed to already be done. It was the BEST year of college I had and that room was the best room. Yet, if I had planned my own life, I would have already graduated 2 years earlier. I can look back and see how His plan was magnificently better than my own.

I am so thankful that God's plans are not our plans!

What a Girl Wants or Rather Doesn't Want

Being single and 26 I can totally understand that navigating the whole singles "scene" can be difficult. That being said I would tend to think some things should just be a no-brainer, but apparently they aren't.

The other night I was working at my part-time retail job where I sell eyeglasses. We had gotten really busy and there were only two of us left working the retail floor. At one point there were about 4 sets of people waiting. I finally worked my way to the last guy waiting for help.

First off let me say, while I was working with the other customers I could hear this guy arguing with someone on the phone. It sounded like a girl from the tone of the argument and the groveling that he was doing. Secondly, he looked like a greasy, nasty kind of guy, the kind that makes you want to "hide your kids, hide your wives."

I sat down to help him; he wanted his glasses adjusted. But the first thing he expressed was concern that I didn't know what I was doing. He wanted my male co-worker (who was still busy with other customers) to come help him. I assured him that my five and a half years of experience left me fully qualified to help him. My co-worker could hear him giving me a slightly hard time and came over to assure him that I was able to help him. He even told him that I could probably even help him better since I had about 4 years more experience at making adjustments.

At some point in this conversation the creeper tells my co-worker that "besides that, she's hot." In my mind I was thinking, "Did he just say that out loud where I could obviously hear him?"  My co-worker walked off and while I was working on his glasses, he proceeded to inform me personally that I was hot.

In the following few minutes while I was hurriedly trying to fix Mr. Creepy's glasses so he could get out of the store, he asked me if I was married, if I had a boyfriend, and then told me that "he couldn't imagine why not because I was hot and seemed like a cool girl." Then while I am trying to convince him that I am done and the glasses fit perfectly, he starts to brag about his job and tries to name-drop celebrities that I had never heard of.

Just in case this pitiable guy's mistakes weren't glaringly obvious, I will point them out. 1) Arguing/groveling with a girl on the phone should not be done in public. It is also not the best way to start anything with anyone who can hear you. All it tells me is that you must do things to get in trouble in your current relationship, which doesn't impress me at all. It also tells me that you are probably a cheater. "Oh yes, sign me up for that! Just what I always hoped for in a guy!"

2) Personal hygiene is important!! If you want a girl to find you attractive and pleasant please look like you bathe at least once in a while. Daily would be ideal! Greasy, slicked back, used-car-salesman hair that looks like it hasn't seen shampoo for a week is not the way to impress us.

3) Doubting my abilities or knowledge simply because I am female is a good way to make me extremely annoyed with you not interested in you. Maybe try to determine if I am capable based on my abilities rather than my gender.

4) The word "hot" has less than desirable connotations to a good girl. There are many, many other words you can use to express appreciation for how a girl looks that don't leave her feeling like she is dirty and in need of a shower. Might I suggest cute, nice, pretty, beautiful, etc. Also the tone speaks volumes! The same words can come across gross or complimentary depending on how respectful your tone of voice is.

5) Bragging and name-dropping just plain don't impress us! When a guy brags it makes me wonder what he is trying to cover up. It makes him seem small and insignificant because he needs to brag to make himself appear bigger and more important. If you really are cool, girls will be able to figure it on their own. Being passionate about what you do is far more impressive than bragging about how important you are because of what you do.

6) Smooth talking and flattery are insincere. They make me distrust you because I feel like you aren't an honest person. Girls in general know how they look. Overkill and flattery just make girls wonder what a guy wants and "how foolish and gullible does he think I am?" Please be honest and sincere; honesty goes a lot further at being flattering!

Girls, you do not want a guy who does these things. Guys, please don't be like this guy! It doesn't impress us; it just disgusts us.

Songs on a Sunday - National Anthem

Today being the 10th anniversary of the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks I thought it fitting that the song for today be our National Anthem. After all, one of the most immediate effects they had was a unity and patriotism that was sadly far too short lived.

Many of us know the words to the first verse (and many celebrity singers apparently don't even know those) but the words to the rest of the song are possibly even more moving than the first verse.

National Anthem

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner: O, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash'd out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

A Lot to Learn from LIFE

While on vacation a couple of weeks ago.  Oops. While on vacation a month ago, (Wow, has it been that long already?) I had a chance to play a game that I hadn't played in years. It was the game of LIFE. While playing, I discovered that there were differences between LIFE today and the LIFE I used to play with my sister when we were kids. I even joked around and began comparing it to real life. Then it actually got me thinking... The following is what I have learned about life from LIFE:

The Fantasies of LIFE

• Everyone gets married and there's no divorce.
• Everyone buys a house.
• A family only owns one car (Which you never had to pay for, doesn't require repairs or maintenance, and it lasts you your whole life).
• A car full of kids is quiet.
• Your friends and family can afford to shower you with thousands of dollars at your wedding and each time you have children. (And if not, then they will go into debt to do so.)
• You only have unexpected expenses if you land on the wrong tile.
• Everyone makes it through life to retirement.
• There's no bankruptcy.
• The bank is an endless supply of money; you never run out.
• Buying a house is as simple as picking out the one you like.
• Selling a house is as simple as handing the deed to the bank and receiving your money back.
• Houses always sell for the same or more than you originally paid for them, never at a loss.
• All of your debt is automatically paid off at retirement.
• Having the most money means you win.
• You have a choice about whether or not to play.

The Facts of LIFE

• Life is more expensive that it used to be. (I don't think this will garner any arguments. If it does, just kindly drive to the nearest gas station and attempt to fill up your tank for $15 as you may have done when I was a child.)
• Life is longer than it used to be. 
• Life is more complicated that it used to be. (Career and salary on the same card. There were fewer stops. You only bought one home. There weren't pay raises, etc.)
• College is crazy expensive, typically leaves you with a huge debt, does not guarantee that you make more money, and doesn't guarantee that you will even have or keep a career in your chosen field.
• You don't always get what you want out of life. (The career or salary you wanted may already be chosen. You could get fired. You might end up childless when you wanted to fill your car with those little pink and blue pegs.)
• Life without God is truly an empty game of chance depending entirely on the chance of the spin or the luck of the draw.
• Life without God becomes a singular quest to end up with the most money.
• Life experiences are valuable.
• Life is really a bunch of small steps and choices that determine how you end up at the end.
• In life, you have to pay attention or you just might miss out. (Who hasn't lost money because they didn't notice someone spun their number?)
• Some people speed through life, but then they reach the end before everyone else.
• Finishing life in first place doesn't mean you win.
• Children are expensive but you will wish you had more when you retire.
• Life is most enjoyable when you go through it with close friends and family. In fact...
• Life wouldn't be much fun if you go through it alone. In fact...
• Life without others just plain doesn't work.
• Oh, and last but not least...

the banker still has the coolest job. =D

 Got any of your own thoughts on LIFE? Please share!