Wonderful?

PREFACE: This post could potentially cause some offense. I want to say that it was not written in anger and it is not my intention to hurt anyone who has gone through a divorce. I am sharing this in hopes to help people be aware of how kids feel in a divorce, how I felt when my parents divorced. Perhaps it will help someone think twice someday before giving up on their marriage. Perhaps it will help someone who works with kids at church or at work have a better understanding. Perhaps it will help those blessed enough to grow up in a stable home relate to a friend better.

I understand that not all family situations are the same. If there is abuse or neglect, a separation may be necessary for safety's sake. That would be an issue for another post. This is mainly focused at the kind of situation where the parents could potentially work it out and choose not to.

Either way, I have been working on this for a while and it is something that burdens my heart. I am sharing because if I can help anyone avoid this type of pain, how could I stay silent?
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When I was about six years old my parents got divorced. I still remember quite vividly the events of that day. It changed my life forever. I am a different person today than I would have been had I grown up with them never getting divorced. I probably would have attended a different church, certainly would not have been home schooled, would have gone to a different college, had a different major, met different people, had different friends, and lived in different houses both while growing up and as an adult. Not much of my life would be the same as it is today.

In addition to all the long-term changes, my everyday life changed immediately. About the only thing that stayed the same was my sister Jen and I being together. We grew closer than we probably would have otherwise. We spent more time with each other than with either parent. Even though we were three years apart we both often told people that we felt more like twins in our bond with each other. We became the "constant" in each other's lives - the one thing that was the same in both worlds we in which we lived.

Because our parents divorced when I was so young, living in a single mom's house and visiting our dad was really the only life I knew. It's actually a little hard for me to remember what life was like before that. Growing up in two separate households, having time divided between them - it was just how life was. I learned to accept it and move on. And I honestly didn't think it bothered me a whole lot. In reality I spent most of my childhood numb, avoiding dealing with the emotions, convincing myself that it hadn't bothered me a whole lot.

But when I was a teenager my dad was going through a music phase of listening to a group called Everclear. They have a song called "Wonderful."* When I first heard that song, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It put into words exactly how divorce felt to me. Before then I wouldn't have said I was angry about them getting divorced; I wouldn't have said I felt much of anything about it. Yet, the song is full of anger and I realized it was exactly how I felt.

"I close my eyes when I get too sad. 

I think thoughts that I know are bad. 

Close my eyes and I count to ten; 

Hope it's over when I open them." 

Hearing your parents fight makes a kid feel this way. You just want it to stop. While my sister was more openly bothered by it, I mastered the art of pretending not to hear.

"I want the things that I had before,

Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.

I wish I could count to ten

And make everything be wonderful again."

When parents get divorced they feel pain, but they also feel relief. In a sense once the divorce is over, the fight it over. Most kids just want everything to go back to "normal." You can't fully understand why everything has to be so different. The one thing kids really want is to feel secure and how can they when their whole world just flipped upside down?

"Hope my mom and I hope my dad

Will figure out why they get so mad.

Hear them scream; I hear them fight.

They say bad words that make me wanna cry."

Parents may shout because they are so angry that they feel they can't help it. It is terrifying for the kids who the parents have probably forgotten were even listening. It's often easy for them to forget because the kids usually hide away in their rooms trying to escape the sound of shouting.

"Close my eyes when I go to bed

And I dream of angels who make me smile.

I feel better when I hear them say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

Parents may feel like they can't escape the reality of a bad marriage. Kids truly can't. Dreams and fantasy worlds may be the only places they feel safe or happy. I think that's why I learned to love reading and movies so much. Through my imagination and the stories I could escape the reality that I hated.

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world's so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

And tell me everything is wonderful now.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now."

Parents may feel like their wedding vows aren't above breaking. How can a kid trust someone who breaks their promises? Even if it was made before they were born, the promise to be married until death is probably the most important promise a parent can ever make, for their kids' sake. When you tell your worried children that you won't get divorced and then you do... it begins the process of breaking their trust that ends with most children from divorced homes having a hard time trusting anyone. Not that they even realize or consciously think it, but it happens.

A parent may feel like everything is wonderful after the horror of the divorce is over. But for the kids, the horror is just beginning. They start to wonder if they can believe their parents when they say "it will be better now." Their fragile trust starts to crumble under the weight of the painful reality that even if their parents are "happier" now, the they still aren't happier.

"I go to school and I run and play.

I tell the kids that it's all okay.

I laugh aloud so my friends won't know

When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home."

A parent may not understand that it hurts a child so deep inside that it may not even show on the outside. But often on the inside, the kids just want to be anywhere but their at home. Friends houses, school, activities, etc may all be preferable than going home.

"Go to my room and I close my eyes.

I make believe that I have a new life.

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now."

I don't wanna hear you say

That I will understand someday.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna hear you say

You both have grown in a different way.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends

And I don't wanna start over again.

I just want my life to be the same

Just like it used to be.

Some days I hate everything

I hate everything -

Everyone and everything.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

You have grown apart? You love each other but not enough to live together? Or maybe you just don't love each other at all anymore. These kinds of explanations won't ever make full sense to the kids. But they do make a child worried that you will stop loving them someday too. Or they may feel like it's really their fault somehow. They may become desperate for your approval because they fear you will stop loving them. Or they may lash out in anger trying to push you away so you can't hurt them when you leave them too. Anger, hate, bitterness - they all go hand-in-hand and they are all destructive.

Time goes on. The wounds start to heal for the parent, but the pain for the child is just beginning to grow. As they get older, the wound grows larger and larger as they realize that things will never go back to "how it was before." They start to see more and more things that they missed out on.The constant back and forth and divided loyalties and divided love can put a lot of pressure on kids.

Even if you have parents like mine who actually still supported each other and didn't talk bad about each other, kids can feel guilty for missing one parent while with the other. They may feel bad for being happy when they are with one parent because it can feel like a betrayal of the love they have for their other parent. And of course, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc all have to be traded back and forth.

And it doesn't get easier with time. In fact, the older the kids get the harder it is.  As teens, they are far more likely to develop eating disorders, drop out of school, and be suicidal. Also, once they have graduated they have to choose who they will spend time with and when, all while trying not to offend or hurt either other parent. That can be a lot of pressure.

Another long-term effect is that those trust issues they develop as kids will follow them into their friendships and eventually their own marriages. Sadly, children from a divorced home are far more likely to end up in a troubled marriage themselves. After they get married and have kids of their own, grandkids complicate everything further because there will be three or four sets (rather than two) of grandparents to divided the time between.

Speaking from experience, divorce is simply devastating. It's effects on all involved are long-lasting and immeasurable. Please don't let this article describe your children someday. Make your marriage vows last and then everything will actually be "wonderful."


*I am not recommending or advocating the song or artist. Moral/spiritual reasons aside (because that's a debate for another day), I personally can't listen to it because it still bothers me.

Hope Dorm - Room 705

My sister and I invited a bunch of people over to watch a movie. One of Jen's fellow Witness! members and one of my old roomies ended up being the only ones to come. We had a great time! We spent the last couple of hours watching a movie, talking, and just hanging out. It was nice to spend some time with a couple of people who know me better than anyone else in the world.

As we were talking we started to reminisce about the year I spent in Hope Dorm Room 705 with Heather, Lindsey, and Faith. It was also my sister's first year and since she was in the same dorm, she also spent a lot of time in there.

I made memories that I hope I never forget! One is the memory of the only time I can really remember getting angry with them. I had won a Beta fish in a Christmas game at work and jokingly named him Ross after the CEO. Even though we tried repeatedly to rename him, nothing ever stuck and he was stuck being Ross.

Well, one day I came home and Ross was not alone in his fish bowl. There were these awful, disgusting little shrimp things swimming around with him. I was so annoyed! If you know anything about Betas they typically cannot live with other fish because they kill them. I knew that my little Ross was especially aggressive with his reflection in mirrors, so I knew that he would end up killing and eating them. Long story short, my roomies didn't believe me, but in the end that's exactly what happened. It took a while, but it's now funny!

Other memories include my 24th birthday at BJ's, the picture we drew and hung on our door and added to throughout the semester, Heather falling for Tim, the nicknames we all gave each other, the room meetings that always lasted way too long not because of trouble but because we were having such a good time, Heather and I studying together for Blythe classes, the laughter, Faith singing the same made up song over and over for weeks, Lindsey and Tae Bo, Jen doing a creepy face and chasing Heather around the room with a highlighter behind her back. The list could go on and on. We shared our hopes, dreams, fears, tears, failures, successes, prayer requests, praises, heartaches, and laughter, lots of laughter.

Personality-wise we couldn't have been more different. I have a hard time letting people in and opening up to them, but they just loved me and accepted me so easily that I couldn't help loving them back. By the time the year was over, we were almost as close as sisters.

While it's a lesson still in progress, it's good to remember the biggest lesson they taught me that year. It was my "extra" year. My 5th year at HBBC. My 6th year of college. The year I was supposed to already be done. It was the BEST year of college I had and that room was the best room. Yet, if I had planned my own life, I would have already graduated 2 years earlier. I can look back and see how His plan was magnificently better than my own.

I am so thankful that God's plans are not our plans!

What a Girl Wants or Rather Doesn't Want

Being single and 26 I can totally understand that navigating the whole singles "scene" can be difficult. That being said I would tend to think some things should just be a no-brainer, but apparently they aren't.

The other night I was working at my part-time retail job where I sell eyeglasses. We had gotten really busy and there were only two of us left working the retail floor. At one point there were about 4 sets of people waiting. I finally worked my way to the last guy waiting for help.

First off let me say, while I was working with the other customers I could hear this guy arguing with someone on the phone. It sounded like a girl from the tone of the argument and the groveling that he was doing. Secondly, he looked like a greasy, nasty kind of guy, the kind that makes you want to "hide your kids, hide your wives."

I sat down to help him; he wanted his glasses adjusted. But the first thing he expressed was concern that I didn't know what I was doing. He wanted my male co-worker (who was still busy with other customers) to come help him. I assured him that my five and a half years of experience left me fully qualified to help him. My co-worker could hear him giving me a slightly hard time and came over to assure him that I was able to help him. He even told him that I could probably even help him better since I had about 4 years more experience at making adjustments.

At some point in this conversation the creeper tells my co-worker that "besides that, she's hot." In my mind I was thinking, "Did he just say that out loud where I could obviously hear him?"  My co-worker walked off and while I was working on his glasses, he proceeded to inform me personally that I was hot.

In the following few minutes while I was hurriedly trying to fix Mr. Creepy's glasses so he could get out of the store, he asked me if I was married, if I had a boyfriend, and then told me that "he couldn't imagine why not because I was hot and seemed like a cool girl." Then while I am trying to convince him that I am done and the glasses fit perfectly, he starts to brag about his job and tries to name-drop celebrities that I had never heard of.

Just in case this pitiable guy's mistakes weren't glaringly obvious, I will point them out. 1) Arguing/groveling with a girl on the phone should not be done in public. It is also not the best way to start anything with anyone who can hear you. All it tells me is that you must do things to get in trouble in your current relationship, which doesn't impress me at all. It also tells me that you are probably a cheater. "Oh yes, sign me up for that! Just what I always hoped for in a guy!"

2) Personal hygiene is important!! If you want a girl to find you attractive and pleasant please look like you bathe at least once in a while. Daily would be ideal! Greasy, slicked back, used-car-salesman hair that looks like it hasn't seen shampoo for a week is not the way to impress us.

3) Doubting my abilities or knowledge simply because I am female is a good way to make me extremely annoyed with you not interested in you. Maybe try to determine if I am capable based on my abilities rather than my gender.

4) The word "hot" has less than desirable connotations to a good girl. There are many, many other words you can use to express appreciation for how a girl looks that don't leave her feeling like she is dirty and in need of a shower. Might I suggest cute, nice, pretty, beautiful, etc. Also the tone speaks volumes! The same words can come across gross or complimentary depending on how respectful your tone of voice is.

5) Bragging and name-dropping just plain don't impress us! When a guy brags it makes me wonder what he is trying to cover up. It makes him seem small and insignificant because he needs to brag to make himself appear bigger and more important. If you really are cool, girls will be able to figure it on their own. Being passionate about what you do is far more impressive than bragging about how important you are because of what you do.

6) Smooth talking and flattery are insincere. They make me distrust you because I feel like you aren't an honest person. Girls in general know how they look. Overkill and flattery just make girls wonder what a guy wants and "how foolish and gullible does he think I am?" Please be honest and sincere; honesty goes a lot further at being flattering!

Girls, you do not want a guy who does these things. Guys, please don't be like this guy! It doesn't impress us; it just disgusts us.

Songs on a Sunday - National Anthem

Today being the 10th anniversary of the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks I thought it fitting that the song for today be our National Anthem. After all, one of the most immediate effects they had was a unity and patriotism that was sadly far too short lived.

Many of us know the words to the first verse (and many celebrity singers apparently don't even know those) but the words to the rest of the song are possibly even more moving than the first verse.

National Anthem

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner: O, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash'd out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

A Lot to Learn from LIFE

While on vacation a couple of weeks ago.  Oops. While on vacation a month ago, (Wow, has it been that long already?) I had a chance to play a game that I hadn't played in years. It was the game of LIFE. While playing, I discovered that there were differences between LIFE today and the LIFE I used to play with my sister when we were kids. I even joked around and began comparing it to real life. Then it actually got me thinking... The following is what I have learned about life from LIFE:

The Fantasies of LIFE

• Everyone gets married and there's no divorce.
• Everyone buys a house.
• A family only owns one car (Which you never had to pay for, doesn't require repairs or maintenance, and it lasts you your whole life).
• A car full of kids is quiet.
• Your friends and family can afford to shower you with thousands of dollars at your wedding and each time you have children. (And if not, then they will go into debt to do so.)
• You only have unexpected expenses if you land on the wrong tile.
• Everyone makes it through life to retirement.
• There's no bankruptcy.
• The bank is an endless supply of money; you never run out.
• Buying a house is as simple as picking out the one you like.
• Selling a house is as simple as handing the deed to the bank and receiving your money back.
• Houses always sell for the same or more than you originally paid for them, never at a loss.
• All of your debt is automatically paid off at retirement.
• Having the most money means you win.
• You have a choice about whether or not to play.

The Facts of LIFE

• Life is more expensive that it used to be. (I don't think this will garner any arguments. If it does, just kindly drive to the nearest gas station and attempt to fill up your tank for $15 as you may have done when I was a child.)
• Life is longer than it used to be. 
• Life is more complicated that it used to be. (Career and salary on the same card. There were fewer stops. You only bought one home. There weren't pay raises, etc.)
• College is crazy expensive, typically leaves you with a huge debt, does not guarantee that you make more money, and doesn't guarantee that you will even have or keep a career in your chosen field.
• You don't always get what you want out of life. (The career or salary you wanted may already be chosen. You could get fired. You might end up childless when you wanted to fill your car with those little pink and blue pegs.)
• Life without God is truly an empty game of chance depending entirely on the chance of the spin or the luck of the draw.
• Life without God becomes a singular quest to end up with the most money.
• Life experiences are valuable.
• Life is really a bunch of small steps and choices that determine how you end up at the end.
• In life, you have to pay attention or you just might miss out. (Who hasn't lost money because they didn't notice someone spun their number?)
• Some people speed through life, but then they reach the end before everyone else.
• Finishing life in first place doesn't mean you win.
• Children are expensive but you will wish you had more when you retire.
• Life is most enjoyable when you go through it with close friends and family. In fact...
• Life wouldn't be much fun if you go through it alone. In fact...
• Life without others just plain doesn't work.
• Oh, and last but not least...

the banker still has the coolest job. =D

 Got any of your own thoughts on LIFE? Please share!