Wonderful?

PREFACE: This post could potentially cause some offense. I want to say that it was not written in anger and it is not my intention to hurt anyone who has gone through a divorce. I am sharing this in hopes to help people be aware of how kids feel in a divorce, how I felt when my parents divorced. Perhaps it will help someone think twice someday before giving up on their marriage. Perhaps it will help someone who works with kids at church or at work have a better understanding. Perhaps it will help those blessed enough to grow up in a stable home relate to a friend better.

I understand that not all family situations are the same. If there is abuse or neglect, a separation may be necessary for safety's sake. That would be an issue for another post. This is mainly focused at the kind of situation where the parents could potentially work it out and choose not to.

Either way, I have been working on this for a while and it is something that burdens my heart. I am sharing because if I can help anyone avoid this type of pain, how could I stay silent?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was about six years old my parents got divorced. I still remember quite vividly the events of that day. It changed my life forever. I am a different person today than I would have been had I grown up with them never getting divorced. I probably would have attended a different church, certainly would not have been home schooled, would have gone to a different college, had a different major, met different people, had different friends, and lived in different houses both while growing up and as an adult. Not much of my life would be the same as it is today.

In addition to all the long-term changes, my everyday life changed immediately. About the only thing that stayed the same was my sister Jen and I being together. We grew closer than we probably would have otherwise. We spent more time with each other than with either parent. Even though we were three years apart we both often told people that we felt more like twins in our bond with each other. We became the "constant" in each other's lives - the one thing that was the same in both worlds we in which we lived.

Because our parents divorced when I was so young, living in a single mom's house and visiting our dad was really the only life I knew. It's actually a little hard for me to remember what life was like before that. Growing up in two separate households, having time divided between them - it was just how life was. I learned to accept it and move on. And I honestly didn't think it bothered me a whole lot. In reality I spent most of my childhood numb, avoiding dealing with the emotions, convincing myself that it hadn't bothered me a whole lot.

But when I was a teenager my dad was going through a music phase of listening to a group called Everclear. They have a song called "Wonderful."* When I first heard that song, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It put into words exactly how divorce felt to me. Before then I wouldn't have said I was angry about them getting divorced; I wouldn't have said I felt much of anything about it. Yet, the song is full of anger and I realized it was exactly how I felt.

"I close my eyes when I get too sad. 

I think thoughts that I know are bad. 

Close my eyes and I count to ten; 

Hope it's over when I open them." 

Hearing your parents fight makes a kid feel this way. You just want it to stop. While my sister was more openly bothered by it, I mastered the art of pretending not to hear.

"I want the things that I had before,

Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.

I wish I could count to ten

And make everything be wonderful again."

When parents get divorced they feel pain, but they also feel relief. In a sense once the divorce is over, the fight it over. Most kids just want everything to go back to "normal." You can't fully understand why everything has to be so different. The one thing kids really want is to feel secure and how can they when their whole world just flipped upside down?

"Hope my mom and I hope my dad

Will figure out why they get so mad.

Hear them scream; I hear them fight.

They say bad words that make me wanna cry."

Parents may shout because they are so angry that they feel they can't help it. It is terrifying for the kids who the parents have probably forgotten were even listening. It's often easy for them to forget because the kids usually hide away in their rooms trying to escape the sound of shouting.

"Close my eyes when I go to bed

And I dream of angels who make me smile.

I feel better when I hear them say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

Parents may feel like they can't escape the reality of a bad marriage. Kids truly can't. Dreams and fantasy worlds may be the only places they feel safe or happy. I think that's why I learned to love reading and movies so much. Through my imagination and the stories I could escape the reality that I hated.

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world's so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

And tell me everything is wonderful now.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now."

Parents may feel like their wedding vows aren't above breaking. How can a kid trust someone who breaks their promises? Even if it was made before they were born, the promise to be married until death is probably the most important promise a parent can ever make, for their kids' sake. When you tell your worried children that you won't get divorced and then you do... it begins the process of breaking their trust that ends with most children from divorced homes having a hard time trusting anyone. Not that they even realize or consciously think it, but it happens.

A parent may feel like everything is wonderful after the horror of the divorce is over. But for the kids, the horror is just beginning. They start to wonder if they can believe their parents when they say "it will be better now." Their fragile trust starts to crumble under the weight of the painful reality that even if their parents are "happier" now, the they still aren't happier.

"I go to school and I run and play.

I tell the kids that it's all okay.

I laugh aloud so my friends won't know

When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home."

A parent may not understand that it hurts a child so deep inside that it may not even show on the outside. But often on the inside, the kids just want to be anywhere but their at home. Friends houses, school, activities, etc may all be preferable than going home.

"Go to my room and I close my eyes.

I make believe that I have a new life.

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday."

"Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big.

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now."

I don't wanna hear you say

That I will understand someday.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna hear you say

You both have grown in a different way.

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends

And I don't wanna start over again.

I just want my life to be the same

Just like it used to be.

Some days I hate everything

I hate everything -

Everyone and everything.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

You have grown apart? You love each other but not enough to live together? Or maybe you just don't love each other at all anymore. These kinds of explanations won't ever make full sense to the kids. But they do make a child worried that you will stop loving them someday too. Or they may feel like it's really their fault somehow. They may become desperate for your approval because they fear you will stop loving them. Or they may lash out in anger trying to push you away so you can't hurt them when you leave them too. Anger, hate, bitterness - they all go hand-in-hand and they are all destructive.

Time goes on. The wounds start to heal for the parent, but the pain for the child is just beginning to grow. As they get older, the wound grows larger and larger as they realize that things will never go back to "how it was before." They start to see more and more things that they missed out on.The constant back and forth and divided loyalties and divided love can put a lot of pressure on kids.

Even if you have parents like mine who actually still supported each other and didn't talk bad about each other, kids can feel guilty for missing one parent while with the other. They may feel bad for being happy when they are with one parent because it can feel like a betrayal of the love they have for their other parent. And of course, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc all have to be traded back and forth.

And it doesn't get easier with time. In fact, the older the kids get the harder it is.  As teens, they are far more likely to develop eating disorders, drop out of school, and be suicidal. Also, once they have graduated they have to choose who they will spend time with and when, all while trying not to offend or hurt either other parent. That can be a lot of pressure.

Another long-term effect is that those trust issues they develop as kids will follow them into their friendships and eventually their own marriages. Sadly, children from a divorced home are far more likely to end up in a troubled marriage themselves. After they get married and have kids of their own, grandkids complicate everything further because there will be three or four sets (rather than two) of grandparents to divided the time between.

Speaking from experience, divorce is simply devastating. It's effects on all involved are long-lasting and immeasurable. Please don't let this article describe your children someday. Make your marriage vows last and then everything will actually be "wonderful."


*I am not recommending or advocating the song or artist. Moral/spiritual reasons aside (because that's a debate for another day), I personally can't listen to it because it still bothers me.